Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I'm Just Saying...

I have been feeling depressed lately. I cannot really pinpoint what it is, just a swirl of things that seems to spinning around me. I am not usually the depressed type, so this is always uncomfortable territory for me. And whenever i mention these feelings to most people I know, they just shrug it off and assure me, it will get better. So, I do not usually mention it, anyway. Why am I mentioning it now? I don't really know.

Today has been a shitty day. I woke up at 3am with a awful shooting pain in my shoulder. I could not even lie down...I was crying and screaming. My Medicaid was cancelled because the state of NC sucks. They sent the recertification papers to my old address. Well, not my last old address...but the one before that! And believe me, I have informed those mother fuckers of both moves. By the time the letter reaches me to tell me they will be terminating my is even too late to ask for a fucking hearing. So, they drop the ball, and I have to face the consequences. Mother fucking DSS. I am always getting the run around with these mother fuckers. I cannot wait to graduate and get a fucking job with insurance benefits. I do, however, have insurance at school...but I would rather not go to the campus clinic. My son wakes up at 8, and then he gets diarrhea so bad that the shit is in his hair. I cannot pick him up because of my shoulder, and the shit (literally) is everywhere. His comment is, "Poop, everywhere." Well said, baby boy. Did I mentioned I started my fucking period, too? So, I had to drag my son all over town running errands...fucking lines at DSS, paying rent(which I don't have all the money to cover the check.), and the campus health clinic. Thank god he was a good boy today. Exceptionally good. Now, I am home...and my mind and body are swimming with muscle relaxers, but my shoulder still fucking hurts. This is a recurring problem, fucking muscle spasms....

The fire in New Orleans weighs heavy on my mind. I keep thinking about those poor kids. I keep thinking about how easily it could have been one of my friends. I knew a lot of squatters, and many of my friends still travel the rails. I am sure I would have known these kids if I still lived there. My heart breaks for their families and their friends who are still trying to make sense out of the tragedy. The friendship among these "trainkids" is fierce and loyal...I know, lots of my friends are these kids. And I am really missing my friends.

I am missing New Orleans with all my heart and soul. I looked at pictures of a Christmas get together at a friends house, and I just wish I had been there. I wish I were closer to my friends, and I know a piece of my heart will always reside in New Orleans...but right now, it feels like I am So Far Away. I miss the food, and the music, and the weather, and the culture, and my friends. I feel like I just want to go home. Yet, it is not possible right now.

Why isn't this my home? My family is here...and I really am so lucky to be near them. So, why can't that be enough? I just want to go home. I just want to go back to the Crescent City because that is where I feel most at home...but New Orleans is a dangerous tempting place for me, not to mention a terrible place to raise a child. Then why do I miss it so?

Money is invading my mind, and I know the rent check will bounce. I am waiting on my refund from school, which seems like it will never arrive. I never used to care about money, bounced checks, and bills owed...I hate how this shit weighs so heavily. And my feelings are hurt that I am struggling right now. I loaned my child's father 700 bucks in September, and I have yet to see a penny of it back. But, he has paid his can be sure, and here I am...basically fucked. I lent another friend 100 bucks, and she is still living in her car, so I know she ain't gonna give me anything. As a matter of fact, she asked me for more money. It really hurts my feelings that I go out on a limb for people, and it feels like they are just using me. It is starting to piss me off.

My computer is acting like a madwoman, as my cursor floats randomly all over the screen. The mother fucking "d" does not always work, so typing can be a bitch...think about how many words have a "d." I cannot control the cursor, and I am always hitting enter...which has lead to erasing some of my words. I am ready to get my money, and get a new computer...maybe that will cheer me up.

I miss my grandfather, too. This was the first Christmas without him.

Anyway...sorry about the rant...just one of those days. One of those weeks...I hope it gets better.

Update...My bank account is now negative, about 500 bucks. But, the good news is the refund has been processed..and it is matter of days now.


  1. My Ma said there'd be days like this and I found out there's lots of them in a single year.
    Losing someone around the holidays is a struggle.I just lost a good friend before Christmas.
    My condolences,

  2. I'm glad your refund is on it's way. I hope your shoulder is also on the mend.

    Love you tons. Happy New Year! I hope all of it gets better soon.


  3. I could respond to a lot of this but I'll just sum it up by saying - blogs are a great place to rant and let feelings out and I am glad you were able to. I could sense you feeling a bit better by the end. Its hard to miss a place so much, but know its not the best place to be. Kind of like going back to an ex lover that hasn't changed even though you have.

    Glad to hear your refund is on the way. Money sucks, I hate it, but not having it sucks even more!