Monday, November 29, 2010

Rant for the Day

We all get frustrated sometimes, I know. And we all have these days like I am having today, I know. But, I can't help but think sometimes that I just can't seem to catch a break. And, I know, I have caught lots of breaks, and I am lucky to be alive via a series of good breaks. I know, I try not to let it get me down...and I try not to get upset and scream "Its not fair." I know, life isn't fair.

I know. I know. I know. But, some things should be fair. Some things should have rules, and everyone should adhere to them. I believe that you get what you put out in this universe, but sometimes I just wonder when the people who keep fucking with me are going to get theirs. Maybe I should stop worrying about all just makes it hard to deal with when it keeps happening.

Work. Fucking work. First of all, I want to say...I cannot wait to graduate in May...and I cannot wait to get a real 9 to 5, that lets me pay all my bills, and that is professional enough to hold people to some sort of standards. I am sick of the politics in the restaurant business.

Two people quit today, and there were some shifts available. I asked the manager if I could have one or two of them...after all, the holidays are coming up, and I am almost done with school for the semester. After all, I am a single mom who doesn't get much help. After all, I do not go out and spend my money on alcohol every night (like many of my fellow employees.) I was told to just wait a few minutes, and we would all get to pick up a few shifts...

Meanwhile, the rest of the servers who were also told they could not get these shifts yet, just changed the schedule anyway...picking up all the shifts I wanted for themselves and even an employee who was not even there. And when the manager found out...he did nothing. Like he couldn't be bothered. I did not make a big deal of it because it would get me nowhere. I merely pointed out that it was bullshit, but just call me if you need me on those days. And I let it lie.

At least I did then. But, it has not just been let lie. I cannot. It is not fair. I try to do everything the management wants. I always follow the rules. I do not step on others toes. And yet, I am just shoved down for all that...and those who go against the management's wishes get what they want. I know the manager's have more to worry about than a couple of server shifts, but damn...

What kind of message does it send? It rewards those who cheat. And punishes those who are honest. I do not want to be a part of that environment. I want to work in place that fires people who break the rules. I want to work in a place that is rewarding...I am tired of feeling like crap when I get home.

One of the greedy servers who changed the schedule without asking, is bitching because she has four teenage kids to buy gifts for. Her landlord told her she did not have to pay her 1000 rent this month, as a Merry Christmas cannot get your four fucking kids nice gifts for that grand? I mentioned to her how I was just tired of juggling everything being a single mom in school with no help. She callously says, she had to struggle for a while, too...that's the way it is. Well, if it makes me greedy, and underhanded like her- I want no part of it. I like to think my struggles have made me stronger. And I like to think that I am a good and honest person, and that counts for something. I refuse to be made a callous, selfish, greedy person who will bend the rules in my favor. I did not do this kind of underhanded shit when I was a junky in need of a fix...I am certainly not going to do it now. Yet, I have been upset all day.

Why can't I just let it go? Injustices in the world. I hate it. I know, it can't all be is not perfect...I know, I fucking know. I am just getting sick of it. And I like to think that when I move on to a real job that all this dumb shit will be over. But, I know, the truth of the matter is there will be dumb shit everywhere. There will be selfish assholes everywhere. I just hope I do not become one of them, too.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

thankful thoughts...

Thanksgiving morning. I have gotten up, and gotten my head out of my ass because I am fighting a cold. A terrible cold, I might add. I had to work the past two nights, in the midst of my sickness. I felt awful...and my mind kept drifting back to things that might make me feel better. Now, it is not a thought I am going to take action on...but when I feel really mind will drift back to the dope, and how it always made me feel better when I felt so crappy.

Back to this morning. I managed to pull my head out of my ass, at the insistence of the smiling face of my angel baby boy. He pulled my hand, begging me to get out of bed and play. I looked at the clock. I am thankful it is 8:15. He never sleeps this late, and since I did not get home from work until midnight...I am lucky to sleep so late in this miserable head cold.

I get up, only grumbling a little. And my son and I talk, as we pack an overnight bag. We talk about the day. We talk about who will be at Maman's (my mom's). We talk about why daddy will not be there. We talk about turkey. We talk about money, and breakfast, and brushing teeth, and what we will wear. We turn out all the lights. He asks to take his packpack(backpack), and he wants his Spiderman lunchbox. We close up the apartment and head to my mom's. (She lives on the other side of town.)

It is misty, and I think it rained a lot of the night. It is cold, and a little foggy. The streets are empty. It is almost 10 am. Most things are closed today, and most people are not out. I notice a few people walking. A few people at the bus stop. The city seems deserted, and these few stragglers stand out.

I am reminded of previous Thanksgivings. I remember standing at a deserted bus stop, waiting for the man. I remember having to stock up on dope for the holiday because the dealers would not be out very long. I remember working in the strip club on Thanksgiving. I remember walking in the rain to a friends, in search of dope and turkey. I remember the loneliness of those holidays. Liam and I...wandering the deserted streets, searching for dope when the rest of the world was comforted at home. I look at these few stragglers on the streets, and I wonder what their story is.

I am thankful to be watching them from the windows of my warm, new car. I am thankful to have a smiling little angelic face in the car seat behind me, talking about whatever comes to his 20 month old mind. I am thankful to be headed to my family's house. I am thankful that I only have a cold, and I am not suffering from the sickness of withdrawal. I am thankful to have my own apartment. I am thankful to be warm, and dry, and clean, and loved. I am thankful to be writing. I am thankful to be me.

I think about Liam. I wonder where he is, and what he is doing. I wonder about his sister, and his mother...with whom I spent so many holidays with. I do not wonder about his girlfriend, who was once my friend. I wonder if he is happy, and if he ever thinks about me. So many things remind me of him sometimes, and I wonder why did it all end this way. And I wonder if I would be so happy if we had stayed together. And then, I am thankful...that things are exactly like they are.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Coworker Bitch

I should no longer be disappointed in the greedy assholes of this world. But, of course I let them piss me off...yet, again.

Let me explain...I work as a waitress. We work off tips. My job has just started a team service approach where two servers work together, sharing tables and tips. I should have known when my coworker today refused to do it anyway other than her own...that I was in deep shit. But, of course, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. And I hate to stand up to bossy, overbearing people sometimes. (I need to work on that.)

Anyway, this girl I am partnered with today is always talking about her activities with the church, and she is always toting around some morally righteous slogans. My mom says those are the ones you always have to watch out for... Anyway, this bitch totally fucked me. Before we got any tables, she had talked me into splitting everything equally because she was so damn fair. As soon as we decided to split everything...she suddenly comes down with a case of really terrible cramps. Then, she is nauseous, and thinking of going to the hospital. So, I wait on all nine tables that are jammed with people for three hours during lunch...while this bitch walks around groaning and talking about the fucking hospital. But, she refuses to leave until the rush is over.

When it is over she demands half her money, so she can get to the hospital. I tell her I do not think it is fair, and she takes the money anyway...more than half the money for less than a third of the fucking work! Then, instead of going to the hospital she sits around rolling other people's silverware for an extra twenty bucks! I think I am so pissed because of the principle. She is always talking the game, but when it comes down to it...she is just as selfish and greedy as the next person.

And I have been really nice to her! When the restaurant first opened, and she could not afford to buy a shirt for work...I gave this bitch two shirts I already had! I have gone into work when she called me sick. I called her to check on her when she got suspended for giving poor service. I ask about her fucking kids every damn day. And she still fucks me over!

I try to chalk it up to a lesson learned. Never trust this bitch again! But, I am still pissed. I would have never taken half the money if I didn't do much work. But, then...I am honest. And I am fair. And I am too fucking nice sometimes. And I am definitely too willing to give people the benefit of the doubt.

It is always heartbreaking to learn that another person is just another asshole. I should stop giving people the benefit of the doubt until they prove me wrong. I should just consider everyone to be a selfish fucking asshole, until they prove otherwise. You are not innocent until proven guilty, but instead...the opposite. You are a fucking asshole until you can prove that you are really a decent person. But, I know I cannot do this. And I know I will keep trusting people as I give them the benefit of the doubt. And I will often be disappointed. But, hopefully...the rest of them will be gems.

I do have quite a few gems in my life. I have a few friends that are worth their weight in gold...who would do anything necessary for me, and I for them. Although it would be easier to become angry and bitter and is just not in my nature.

Monday, November 15, 2010

The Book

Three installations of the book are complete. I have put them all together, and the book is now up to 116 pages. The story is a little more than half way finished. I am guessing 100 more pages, and the first rough draft of the book will be completed. I am planning on having it finished before the year is also finished. (I may be cranking out the last few pages on midnight, as we move into the year 2011, but it will be finished....)

I have not talked much about my book project on this blog. I have not been posting as much lately because this book project has been taking a lot of my writing time. The book is about my addiction, and also my experience in New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina. The theme is different than most stories about Katrina because I want to tell of how my experience changed my life...for the better. Hurricane Katrina saved my life.

It is coming along really well, and I will be working on editing and polishing the manuscript next semester. The project is really coming along nicely. I am very happy with the project. I am happy with the rough product, thus far.

I have not really mentioned much about the book on here. I thought I should bring it up, as this project is becoming more and more significant each and every day. It has been somewhat of a journey of rediscovery, as I unearth pieces of the story I had forgotten. It has been a journey to wisdom and realization, as the retelling of the story has made me really take a good look at some pieces of it. It has been cathartic, and haunting, as well. But, it has been awesome, so far. I am really pleased with the way it is all falling least in this early stage. 116 pages...and I just spent my first night away from New Orleans...I am 14 days after the journey will still take me back to the city once more before the final scene, when I leave the last time and "never look back," at least on my life as a doper. Looking back for the book has been a journey in itself.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Needing to Belong

Another heroin episode of Intervention. They talk about divorce, and the addict felt like he just did not belong. And I relate. A relative says that she thinks he started using to belong, to be different, to belong somewhere...and some of feel like we belong to the drug culture. I can relate...
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.2

Monday, November 8, 2010


I am very moved by an episode of Intervention tonight. I did not even watch the episode. I came in during the intervention. I am still not sure what the addiction is. Maybe heroin. Maybe thats why I am so moved. The brother is crying. Another brother is crying. The addict agrees to go to treatment, with tears in his eyes. Everyone in the room is crying.

Granted, I am a little emotional today. I am a woman, after all. Last night, I did a lot of writing, and I delved into a lot of emotion. Things that normally would not stir such a strong reaction are easily bringing me to tears. But as I watch this episode of Intervention...I really connect with the addict. I think about what that kind of situation would be like. I think about how I would feel. And I feel like I am in those shoes again, and I am flooded with emotion. It is a powerful image to me tonight.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.2