Saturday, September 25, 2010

Just an Update

I got the apartment!!!! I am soooooo happy! My credit is awful, and I have not been at my job very long, and I could not show enough income on paper. Oh, and I have a criminal record (thankfully with NO felonies, though.)
I do have very good rental references. And I have money in the bank. My parents would have cosigned, but they did not have to. I guess the rental company is not that strict. Or they gave me a chance because I was honest about my past evictions, criminal history, and bad credit. (I actually put on the application that I had drug charges, and I went to treatment, was on probation for two years, and have been clean for four and a half years.) Maybe I just got lucky. Maybe they rent to anyone. I don't know, and I don't care.
What matters to me is that I got the apartment. And I did it all by myself. What matters to me is that I have a safe place to live with my son.
And it is really cute! It is older, and it has hardwood floors and an arch in the wall between the living room and the kitchen. It has two bedrooms, and a fenced in back yard. It has hook ups for my washer and dryer. And all the appliances are decent. It is right around the corner from my son's daycare, and it is near my job. It is in a really nice historic neighborhood (that is safe!). It is near shops and restaurants. And I know the guy who lives next door. (We are both writers who LOVE food.) Oh, did I mention it is VERY CHEAP???
I feel like I got lucky. I was in the right place at the right time. I had all my ducks in a row, and everything just fell into place. I am very lucky. But, more than that I am very blessed. It has been a long time coming, but now I think I have everything I need. I am not lacking. I have everything I need to be a good, productive member of society. I CAN provide a decent life for my child with what I have right now!
And I graduate in May, with a B.A. in Mass Media Communication with a minor in Journalism. Things are only going to get better from here. I am really excited about my new life. (Or my old life...revamped.) I am really excited to be a clean, productive member of society with a roof over my head, a car to drive, a job, and money in the bank to provide for emergencies. Wow...

Friday, September 24, 2010


I really feel like things are finally falling into place for me. I found an apartment today, and I am just waiting approval. Which could be tricky, but I think I am going to get it. Got my car. I have a great job. I love the people I work for, and they really like me too. School is going wonderful. I am publishing for my school online paper. I am getting lots of great feedback on my writing. My book is coming along without a hitch, so far. My son is adjusted to daycare very well. And I am really content...I am really happy.
It is about damn time. I used to think that when people get clean, their lives automatically start falling into place. I used to think that when you started doing all the right things, everything began to fall in place. It takes time, though...more time than I had anticipated.
Over four years after getting clean, and my life is finally beginning to come together. Damn, there have been some real frustrating times over these last four and a half years. There have been times when I wanted to throw my hands up and scream, wondering is it really worth it? There have been times when I felt like I had taken enough shit, and I just could not take any more. There were times when I felt like it just wasn't fair...I was doing my part, why couldn't I just get ahead?
Four and a half years later...things are finally falling into place. And it is about damn time. It has not been an easy road, but damn it feels good now. Damn, it really is worth it. It really is worth it to start achieving some of my long lost goals. It really is worth it to be independent again. It really is worth it to be a clean and productive member of society. It feels like I have conquered the world.
Coming out of addictions and getting back on track is a long and arduous process. It takes a long time, much longer than I ever expected. Nothing really is a quick fix out there, and we have to work hard at anything that is worth it. Four and a half years later, and I am starting to see some fucking progress. And now I really was worth it. I can do this. And I can do it well.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

About Nothing

I try to succeed
Feeling like I am
By failure
Tiny little
With typos
And rejection
I am freaking out
Over nothing.
Just like always
My brain turns on
The choo choo train
Of obssession
Round and round
Round and round
Running over the same old track

I am entirely too sensitive
Worked up
In a fucking tizzy
Over nothing.

And I wonder
Why I do this..
I never worried
About anything.
But that was when
I was fucking high...
And never cared about anything
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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Unusual Circumstances in a Death by Heroin

A police chief's daughter was missing for days from a local bar, that I once frequented many, many years ago. I knew people who had worked there, and I knew people who hung out there. I also knew that coke heads frequented this establishment. Hell, I have done a lot of coke in those bathrooms back in the day.
The search was ongoing for days, and the story was the top of the news. In the back of my mind, I felt like I knew what could have happened. I felt like if she was missing from there at the early morning hours, she probably left to do drugs with the wrong person. I did not have any thoughts on whether she was murdered, or whether she ODed, or whether she was still out there somewhere on a drug induced binge. But, I did think that if she was at that place, drugs were probably involved.
They found her body in a storage unit Sunday, located on a road that I once lived on. The reports then grew much more vague, and the details have been somewhat secluded. There was a warrant out for the man she was seen leaving the bar with. Her father, the police chief in a neighboring city, made the statement that she should not be judged for what she has done. I had the sinking feeling in my heart that this death was, in fact, drug related. To a former addict, who used to frequent that particular coke the former addict, who knew people who used coke that still frequented that bar, I thought she had just become involved with the wrong people.
Well, they found the guy. He is not a coke head, but instead is a heroin addict. He has possession charges, as well as larceny and sexual charges. And he claims she ODed. He claims they were doing black tar, and when he woke up she was dead. Some have reported he could have taken her to the hospital at one point, but he was afraid. Regardless of the exact circumstance, she is dead...and he is being charged with murder.
Sad, sad story for all those involved. It seems to hit home with me a little harder now that I know heroin was involved. I feel like I have more of an opinion about it now. And I also am thankful that I was never that unfortunate. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing.
This man was fucking stupid to stash the body. He stashed the body, and then he checked into a hotel. Then, a couple days later...he skipped town and ended up in New York, where he was recently arrested. This man was really fucking stupid to that. It makes him look like a murderer...and then I he?
The probability that she died of a heroin overdose is high if they were shooting black tar. Would he have been charged if he had taken her to the hospital? Or called the police? Is he in the wrong, or is it her own fault for shooting heroin?
I think back to the near death experiences of some of my friends. I saved a life or two, shooting them up with salt water after they turned blue. I have thrown them in the shower, I have walked them around until they came back to. I can think of at least seven lives I have saved this way. One day, I actually had 3 people go out right in front of me, and I brought them all back. I saved someone in a bar. I saved several in my apartment.
But, I did not want to call an ambulance. I did not want to get a charge for drugs. I did not want the authorities going through my house, searching for drugs, because we all know that is what happens when the ambulance comes to rescue an OD. And death from a heroin overdose can happen very quickly.
When I sold dope, I used to tell my customers not to shoot up in my house. I warned them if they did, and they went out...I would just put them out on the corner and call an ambulance from the pay phone. I warned them that I would let them die rather than get in trouble myself. Now, I think about that cold, callous, and addicted idea. But, it is the case with addicts. It is the way it is. I know several people who have also dumped dead people who have ODed. And I also question...was it murder? I don't think it was murder. But, I do think there is something wrong with that whole scene. Several years ago, I would have been outraged that the city is shouting to convict this "killer.' Today, my feelings are mixed. And today, I am just very blessed to be alive.
I think about all the dangerous situations I put myself in. I think about all the times something could have happened to me...and it did not. I am quite positive that I put myself in many more dangerous situations than this poor young lady did, and today, I am just very thankful to be alive. I often wonder why things like this happen. Why she was the one who died, and how I escaped alive. I wonder why I lost a friend to a brain aneurysm, and why I survived all the shit I did to myself. I have to believe that everything happens for a reason. And I know that I am still alive to fulfill some greater purpose.
Still, I am sad for this poor girl. I am broken hearted for her family. All my parents out there who read this, I know this is the worst fear when you have an addicted child. And yet, I am still conflicted about the man they arrested. Is he a murderer? If she overdosed, he did not kill her per say. If he, as he claims, simply woke up and she was dead, is he at fault? If he refused medical help, is he a murderer? Or is heroin the only murderer here? I think if it were my son, I would want to kill this man myself.
I think back to my past, and a part of me cannot convict this man. But, I think about my child, and I know how one could convict this man. A conundrum, to say the least. Any thoughts out there on this one?

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Past Demons

Missing what once was
As I read
And research
I stumble upon
An article
About us...
About the storm...
And I see it
Blazing like the fire
We once shared
Black and white
The text jumps off the page
And my heart sinks
All over again.

I see your face
In my dreams
As of late
And I wonder
Am I
Thinking about you?
Or are the cuts
Still gaping wounds
That close
To the surface?

And I wonder...
If I will ever
Get over it.
And just go on
To live a normal life.
Like I was supposed to,
Like you are doing,
Like everyone else
Is doing.
But, I know
All too well...

I am not like anyone else.
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Thursday, September 16, 2010

Blessing or Curse?

Blessings or curses...sometimes they can be one and the same. My addiction, once a curse, but now a blessing because I have learned so much from it. When I was struggling with the demon, it was a curse. When I was still surrounded by the life, it was a least once I started to get clean. But, now, a million miles away from it all in mind, body, and spirit, I like to think of it as a blessing. I am blessed to really know who I am. I am blessed to know what not to do. I am blessed to know where my boundaries and limitations are. I am blessed because if my son ever gets into this shit...I will know it. I am blessed because it has given me a lot of good stories to tell, which is something every writer needs.
My kindness, willingness to help others...a curse? or a blessing? Again, I think it can be both. I am too nice to people who take advantage of me. I am willing to help anyone out, so I can easily get used. But, willingness to help has saved the life of a friend. My willingness to trust, and to give what I can has kept another person clean...and has kept a mother near her child. So, I ask myself, is it a blessing, or a curse...I like to think a blessing. I must keep the faith, and believe that everything I do really does come back threefold.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

A Dedication to Parents...

This post is to honor all the parents out there who are living with their children's addiction in one way or another. And most importantly, this post is dedicated to my parents...who, as far as I am concerned, are the BEST parents in the world. I hope to be as good of a parent to my son.
My parents just helped me to buy a new car yesterday. Let me clarify that, my parents put their name on the paperwork because my credit is too bad. And my parents helped out with the down payment, much of the money came from dividends that they have been holding for me and they kicked in the rest. They want me to give them the monthly payment, which they are going to put in account for later, and they are actually making the payment themselves. So, essentially, my parents just bought me a car yesterday.
And I appreciate it so, so very much. Five years ago, they probably would not have given me twenty bucks...and rightly so, because I would have just spent it on heroin. And yesterday, they bought me a car. I have turned my life around; I am back in school, working, and being the best mother that I can. But, more importantly, my parents acknowledge this, and they believe in me once more. They believe that I am doing the right thing, and they believe that I will succeed. And it feels so wonderful.
It has been a long road. There have been a lot of bumps in the road. It has been more hard than easy at times, but it is all worth it. I am so thankful that my parents have been so good to me, throughout my entire life.
In my addiction, I thought they were wrong. I thought they could have acted, or reacted much differently. But, in my sobriety, I know that if their actions had not been so harsh at times...I might not be alive today, and I most certainly would not be where I am now. If they had bailed me out so many times that I once thought they should, I would not have gotten clean, I would have kept right on doing what I was doing. And I want to thank them for both their kindness and their toughness. I am truly blessed.
I am so thankful that they trust me again. I am so thankful that they believe in me again. I am so thankful to have such a close relationship with my parents now because they really are two of the three most important people in my world. Without them, my life would not be possible. Without them, my sobriety would not be constant. And without them, my life would just not be so good. Without them, my life would not be as fulfilling.
To those parents who are still suffering at the hands of their children's addiction, I hope and pray that you, too, will one day be in the position that my parents are in today. Stay strong. You know what is right. Don't back down, and stick to your convictions. And don't stop loving (but all of us as parents know that we cannot stop loving.) Addiction is a tough and heartbreaking road. But, as the saying goes what does not kill us will only make us stronger, and such is very true in my case.
I am stronger than I ever imagined five years ago, even stronger than I imagined two years ago. My relationship with my family, my parents especially, is stronger than it has ever been. My dreams and goals are stronger than they have ever been. And my life is finally stronger than it has been, too. And I could not have done any of this without my Mom and Dad. (Well, stepdad...but that term does not seem to give him enough credit, because he is my DAD.) My parents are my heroes, my rocks, and most importantly, my family. Without them, I am not sure where I would be. Today, I am one of the luckiest people in the world.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010


School is back in session. Started a new job. Looking for day care options for my son, regrettably, but that is what single mothers have to do. Getting a car. Looking forward to a lifetime of doing it on my own, successfully. I haven't been posting much because I am taking 2 writing classes, and 2 other classes, and a full time job...and I spend all the rest of my time with my beautiful son. It is not easy, but it is rewarding. I know I can do this, and do it successfully. Thank God for my parents help, too! Lord knows I would not be where I am today without them.

Thursday, September 2, 2010


Feeling like I gotta post something. But, all the thoughts and emotions are swirling around me. I feel like I am falling into a rabbit hole. I am scared to fucking look up, and my creativity seems to be waning, draining out like a slow dripping faucet as the life blood is sucked out of me by this vampire. Break away, and the mind gets clear, but the signs of abuse are still there. I am battered and bruised. A mind fuck. That is what has been going on for so long that I am not even sure which way is up and which way is down anymore. Mental abuse is sometimes even stronger than the physical, less obvious as he bears down on my soul with all the words of manipulation. Gotta break free from those chains of bondage. I have broken free from much worse before. This asshole is just another bump in my fucking road. Bumpety bump, mother fucker...bumpety bump your way right out of my life you fucking fuck. No more insults needed. No more fucking jabs and put downs because I swear I will fucking stab you...right in the mother fucking dick. Do not come around here any more you fucking asshole. I am too strong for your shit now. I am too fucking strong for you, you fucking loser.