Thursday, December 9, 2010

Stagnation vs. Change

Yesterday, I noticed two crack heads walking down the street, by my house. The live in my old neighborhood, and I used to see them almost everyday, walking the streets in search of money and the next hit. I actually wrote a post about them when I first started my blog, called "Crackheads on a Snowy Day." Seeing them yesterday, got me thinking...

They toted the same cart as before. They wore the same clothes, and they had that same adoring look for each other, with a hint of desperation behind their eyes. They looked exactly the same as they looked when I watched them spark up a rock almost a year ago in the snow. I think about stagnation. And I think about change.

This couple always reminded me a little of me and my ex husband. They were always together. The way they looked at each other, it was obvious how close they were. And they were always walking around the neighborhood in pursuit of their high. Not at all unlike me and my ex. That was a long, long time ago.

And a year later, these two crackheads look exactly the same. I think about all the years that went by when my ex and I were immersed in the addiction. I think about how we looked the same year after year, with our bruised arms and battered souls. And I think about how different I look now...

I think about how different things are now. I am no longer a junky. I am no longer living my life in constant pursuit. I am no longer skinny, with sunken eyes dressed in stripper clothes wherever I go. I am a little chunky, now...and I never show my stomach or milk full boobs. I am a mother now, and I have a car and my own place. All my bills are caught up, and I no longer get high before I go anywhere. Stagnant in the mire of addiction, even my physical appearance remained, I am changing and growing every day. Granted, I am growing older every day, which is something I never felt before...but I am growing closer and closer to what I want to be. And granted, my muscles and bones felt better back in those days of stagnation...but, now I am happier than I ever thought possible. In spite of everything. I am productive, turning out writing like there is nothing else in the world. I am finally whole, once more. I am changed...and I am better in spite of it all...because of it all. I am thankful to be back in the real world of the living. Change is good. Growth is good. Life is fucking good, too. Finally.


  1. Your story gives me hope for my son.
    And today, looking directly "in the mirror" at your past, you didn't for a second long for that past. I don't know you, but I am so very proud of you.

  2. Those crackheads sound depressing. Don't they get constantly stopped and searched for stolen property?

    Not meaning to sound funny or anything, but you talk about seeing more change now (obviously) but while you were using, didn't you used to catch yourself in a mirror, or perhaps more frequently find yourself doing (or have to for some stupid drug clinic type interview) say how many years you'd been on?

    And ever compare a photo of the beginning of your using to the end?

    I look real shit now.

    I'm off heroin, on methadone. (Properly, for once in my life> ie not using constantly on top, which they don't seem to care about here (UK)). Also have pretty much been labelled psychotic by a dr. which has done real bundles for the self esteem.

    Sorry to bang on, your post got me thinking, that's all. Take care :-)

  3. Wasn't implying thse 2 people were theives btw, just that it's a good one for police to use. Also "theft by finding", which I don't even know if you have over there. Supposedly it's thoroughly immoral to take something another person has clearly labelled trash, not by sticking owrds on it, but by leaving at the end of their garden near the gate and on the main street, as is the tradition here. You could theoretically get in all sorts of trouble for that.

    Glad I'm out of it now. Bet you are too.

  4. Hi,
    Can I ask for a first name?
    Happiness is just one of the most purposeful reason for life, the other I guess being love.
    I am glad that you found happiness. It really can't be easy at all to get off any kind of drug and I've experienced that myself, though under different circumstances.
    All the best to you,

  5. @Gledwood...You know, I think that I did not really age during those years. I have several theories on that. The first, is that all the Jameson I drank straight acted like a preservative. I also think William S. Burroughs theory on cell growth and shrinkage where the junky, in a sense, stops growing all together(due to the constant shrinkage and growth when bouncing between sickness and well...) the junky remains stagnant, somewhere in between, at least on a cellular level. I cannot explain it like Burroughs is somewhere in "Junky", I am quite sure. I guess I am a rare case that physically did not age dramatically through my drug use. Now, don't get me wrong because I was skinny with that sunken eye look, but I guess I am lucky because I look a LOT younger than I really am.

    And those two crack heads, were probably doing something illegal other than just smoking crack. These two lived near me when I lived in the hood last year. And they did not work. And they were always getting high. So, they could be stealing, or dealing, kneeling down to pray, but they damn sure were doing something to get high. Shit, most of us know exactly what the fuck that's like! (You like that rhyme? I think it was quite poetic!)

    And by the way...I love it when my post makes someone "bang on"...I like to be thought provoking!

  6. @guy in the silk...I may eventually reveal my name...let's just go with "t" for now...