Rambling Shit...

Kind of rambling, tonight. Exams are drawing to a close, and my brain is flooded with too much random shit. So, I am just going to ramble a little.

Sometimes, I wonder if maybe I am too cheery. If maybe I am too happy. I try to be positive. I try to stay upbeat, and my life is really good right now. Things are finally starting to fall in place for me. it has been a long, fucking time coming, I will tell you that. Things were real shit for me for quite a while. I guess years before I even realized it, things were shit for me. And when I realized I was up to my fucking neck in shit, the climb out of the god damned toilet was hell in itself. Shit, piled upon shit, scrambling for the fucking top as the rest of the world just tries to flush you down. Yep, recovery was a bitch a lot of times. And addiction, and all the fucking relationship crap, getting beat the fuck up, and such....Yeah, my life was pretty shitty for a long time. But, now...it is finally going good. And let me tell you, I feel like I have earned it. I know I have worked really fucking hard to get my life back, to get myself back, and to get my fucking shit back on track and headed in the right damn direction. And hell yeah...my life is finally working out. And hell yeah...I am finally happy. I worked hard for that shit.

Let me tell you, therapy ain't easy. It ain't easy to bare your soul to your ownself, and take a hard look at that person inside. It ain't easy facing up to all the shit...but let me tell you, it is worth it. It is no easy thing to get clean and to stay clean. You gotta climb out of that shit your life has become. You gotta do more than get clean. You gotta battle some demons, both inside and out. Its hard fucking work....but it is worth it.

I believe in the Threefold, everything you do comes back to you...three times as good or bad. If you put enough good hard work into yourself...you are bound to come out on top. The Universe has a way of balancing out, and it all works out in the end. To those of you in recovery...put it out there, and you will eventually get your return. That is how the universe works...

Now, back to my point about being cheery...sometimes I think maybe I can be too cheery. Anna, this piece of the post is dedicated to you. (I have thought this before when I read parts of your blog...) I bet you hate me for being so happy. I really hope that you do not. I know that I can be optimistic, and I always try to look at the bright side. At one time in my life...I would have hated me, too. Some times, I still stick my tongue out at happy people...especially happy couples. I hate that shit. It pisses me off because of a relationship I lost in the past...But, anyway, I am happy now. For the first time in my life, I am really happy. I am happy to be a strong single mother, who does not need to rely on anyone else. I am happy because my trials and tribulation s have made me a better person. I am happy because I have a lot of stories m to tell. Things are finally starting to work out...and most importantly, I have a beautiful child. And I can't stop smiling some days. Please don't hate me...and do not think that I cannot understand the bleak, dark moods of an addict...because I can. I was once there, and now I am here... I really think I can give you some good advice, and I do apologize if its too cheery. You day will come, too, dear, sweet Anna...and you will be fucking happy, too. I believe. (Anna...I know you do not hate me....)