Thursday, July 1, 2010


Funny little story that came to mind tonight. I am not sure why this one came to mind tonight, but it made me smile in a time of tears. I thought it was appropriate to go ahead and tell this one. It made me smile, but it also makes me kind of sad. It makes me sad sometimes to realize that some pieces of my past are as long gone as my addictions. We have to rid ourselves of so many things to come out clean on the other side. There are some things that I miss dearly...

Liam and i were on the way to our wedding. We were coming to Virginia from New Orleans. It was going to be a long trip and a long ride. We had plenty of dope, some methadone, and some really great weed. His suit was hung neatly in the back seat, along side of our clothes for the rehearsal dinner.
We left New Orleans in the evening. I cannot really remember why we left so late. It was probably because we were waiting on dope, but in my hazy memory I cannot be too sure. We kept sniffing dope at every possible interval. We stopped at a diner, filled up on food and did a nice line of heroin after we ate. Liam had to stop and rest for a couple of hours. We pulled over, and we both fell asleep in the car for a couple of hours.
When we woke up, the sun was starting to come up. We got out the dope, and chopped up a couple of lines. We both were in need at this point, and our stomachs were beginning to churn. We got back on the road. As Liam was driving, I was packing up the bowl. Then I passed it to Liam, and he fired it up.
I took the second hit. I needed a hit to stave off the slight feeling of nausea that had set in while I was sleeping. I took a big hit, letting the smoke fill my lungs. As I exhaled, the nausea got much worse. Liam later said that he looked over, and I turned a ghostly pale. He was like, "Uh-oh...."
I could barely get the window down as we were speeding down the interstate. I rolled it down, and did not have enough time to really stick my head out before the chunks of vomit were ejected violently from my body. I heard a splat, and an substance that resembled oatmeal was spreading across the back passenger window. The whole side of the car was covered in this thick mess, and the wind smeared it everywhere.
I turn around to look. I am shocked by this disgusting mess when I notice that the back window is down about an inch. I look at our clothes that are hanging in that window. Of course, my puke came right back in that inch crack, and our clothes were now splattered with vomit. It was not that funny at the time, but we laughed about it for many years later.

I miss those good old days. Those days before the fall tore it all apart. I miss the way it used to be. I miss the closeness we had. I sit here in this miserable relationship that I know is doomed as we are hurling closer and closer to hatred. I am completely misunderstood as I walk on eggshells. I am choking here...and I miss that special closeness that Liam and I shared. For what it is worth, I just don't think anyone will ever understand me like that again. I miss him, and it breaks my heart that after all this time...he still cannot be my friend.

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