Saturday, May 15, 2010


I just want to give thanks. Thanks to God, or whatever life force you believe is up there. I do not claim to know what to call it, this mysterious life force that guides our lives if we let them...and even guides our lives when we do not let them. But, I do claim to know there is something out there that is greater than us all. Or else I would not be here today. I have almost died a thousand deaths before.
I want to thank God for the life I have now. I want to thank him for my beautiful son, who has changed my life in so many ways. He has given me hope, and he has given me a breath of life I so desperately needed. I want to thank God for my family, and for being clean.
I want to thank the power above for all these gifts. I am so thankful that my son is the driving force in my life. I am so thankful that I had him after being clean for several years because it would really kill me if I lost him in any way. Caught up in addiction, so many mothers lose their children. I think of how that would kill me...and I realize what a powerful force addiction really is.
Not that I did not realize it before when I traded everything I was for drugs. But, the thought of not having my son with me everyday just terrifies me. Also, the thought of using now terrifies me. Don't get me wrong, the thought has crossed my mind. And then, I see a flash of the result. The obvious result is addiction. Then, I think...I will be that junky that takes a shot after so many years clean and it will kill me right away.
I see the scenario in my head. I sneak the dope and the needles because, lord knows, I wouldn't want anyone to know I was doing it. My son would be there because he is always with me. Then, I shoot up...and it kills me. Then, I see my son trying to wake his mother up. Hours and hours pass as he is left alone with his dead mother. He is crying, and he does not understand why Mommy won't wake up. Then, someone eventually comes home to find this horrible, horrible scene. IT IS JUST NOT WORTH IT.
I look at the face of my little angel, and I know I will never put him through this. I am a mother who is both strong and constant. I have spent enough of my life being so selfish, and I am thankful that season has come to an end. I am so thankful that I have been given this precious gift of life again. I feel more alive than I ever did when I was using.
Thank you, dear Lord, for this gift of life. For another chance. For a beautiful son.

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