Saturday, May 22, 2010

Dear Diary

I just realized something about myself. I am too accommodating. It is almost my initial reaction to just accommodate others. Almost like I am too meek to say anything. Like I am afraid to say no. Here is the situation...
My 92 year old grandfather is sick and in the hospital. My uncle is up from Florida, and we are all making frequent trips to the hospital. We are back and forth from the hospital. My mom and my uncle offer to bring a bunkie mattress to make my son's twin bed real low to the ground.
Earlier today, they said they would bring it maybe tomorrow. Then, after we leave the hospital, have lunch, and come home. Lucien is sleeping, and my mom calls and says they could bring the furniture anytime, but hinting it might be better right now. Maybe she wasn't even hinting, and I just took it that way. I immediately said...OK, right now could work, too.
I did not really want her to come right now. I am getting ready to write. My son is finally asleep, and his father is going to soak his sore shoulder in the tub. This is my time, and no...I do not really want them to come over here now. But immediately I answered in the affirmative.
I did, after a moment, say that it is not good right now...Lucien is sleeping. But my immediate and unthinking reaction is to just say yes. I am used to trying to accommodate others. Maybe I am afraid not to accommodate others.
I realize as I think about it that I do this with a lot of people. Almost everyone. I recently was involved in helping a friend with childcare and it had become too much for me and my son. The hours were too sporadic, and my son did not need his schedule rearranged around her. (She was not paying me very much for three kids.) But, I couldn't say anything to her. I can't explain it, but I just would keep accommodating her. And putting myself out.
Finally, the situation blew up when I started to feel like I was being taken advantage of. But, I did nothing but accommodate her, even when it was not good for me and my son. And unlike my with my mother, I really have no ties with this girl. Yeah, she is a friend. But if she were really a good friend who cared about me, she would have been at least more appreciative of all I was doing for her for practically nothing. I owe her absolutely nothing, yet I am accommodating.
I wonder where this comes from. I see this trait in almost any relationship I have with people. I need to start putting myself first, and being adamant about it. Have I always been like this? Just letting people run me over? I am afraid to disappoint people, I am afraid to say no.
That is what it really all boils down to. Sometimes I have a really hard time saying no. And there are lots of situations where it is okay to say no. I need to work on that. I need to be assertive. I hate confrontation.
I may be a good communicator in the fact that I am a good writer, and I could give a speech to hundreds of people. But, I am terrible when it comes to communicating with people face to face. And I need to work on that. I need to be able to do what is best for my son...and sometimes that means saying no.
My son is everything. And I am working on it. I need to be the strong mother I am...and only accommodate him.


  1. Accommodation.... funny word. We do it because it is easier than to confront, or hurt or upset/ rock the boat. Truth be known, we accommodate, so others control. If we have control, then we are the ones responsible. It took me a long time to learn that the reason I accommodated was not to be nice, but to avoid. The reason Stevie uses is to avoid. I tend to stand up for myself and my wishes, but there are times I back down. Just because someone is being kind and doing something for me, does not mean it is done without regard for me. I applaud your recognition..... stand firm!

  2. I too am a yes woman!! I have found that being an accomadator will drive you crazy! And when I do start saying no, those people look at me like I have three seems to rock their world and then I'm told I've become self's laughable really! I agree with what Jan said...good for you, keep working on it and stand firm!