Saturday, May 15, 2010

Sometimes I notice that I am still always harboring certain addict traits...I guess it is just a part of me. The boredom creeps in as I am stuck in the house, alone with the baby. I am lonely, and I am bored. Boredom was once the number one reason to "do a little more dope."
I call a friend to come over, and she is always. I sit and wait, reminded of all the time I spent waiting. And the reaction now is still the same. I find myself looking out the window every ten minutes or so. I live on a busy road, yet I keep thinking I hear a car in the driveway. I am getting more and more anxious...I feel like I am waiting for something to arrive.
Pacing a little, I am brought back to the days of waiting. Waiting at the street corner, waiting at the bus stop but never getting on the bus. Always waiting; sometimes sick and other times well...I used to always feel like I was waiting for something.
My body still reacts the same way, as my mind is so bored that I let it wander. Back and forth between past and present...waiting, waiting, waiting. I get the urge for a glass of wine, and for a cigarette...just side effects of all this waiting. It is weird to me so many miles away from addiction to be reacting like I am waiting for drugs. Maybe I am just impatient.

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