Mothers

I am thinking about family today. Family is a powerful thing, and it becomes such a driving force in our lives. I have been thinking about my family, as well as the families of others suffering from addiction. Addiction is also a powerful thing that can really take its toll on families.
I know it took its toll on my family, and I am so thankful that all that has been put behind us. I am so thankful to have my family back in my life, and I regret not having realized sooner just how important family really is. I know there were times I put my family through hell, and there were times I was convinced they were only out to get me. As the storms of addiction have finally blown past my family, I am thankful that the dust has finally settled. And I am most thankful to have them back in my life.
Today, I am feeling guilty because I have passed a stomach virus on to my entire family. Now that I am feeling better, my family is sick in bed. I keep thinking that maybe I should have just stayed home when I felt bad instead of calling my mom to help me with the baby. I keep thinking that I should have kept the baby at home instead of visiting my sister on the day before she moved away for grad school. I feel terrible for making everyone feel so bad.
Then, I look back. I made them feel terrible for years and years. Months and months went by without even speaking to them. I am sure there were times that my mother feared the call that I had died each and every time the phone rang. For all the years I was absorbed in my addiction, I barely spoke to my family...and when I did it always ended with anger or sadness. My mom had almost given up on me, I think. I know she had refused to help me anymore. No more money, and no more agreeing on anything. But, that was over four years ago.
I know my family is not angry at me because they are sick. And I know that they are just happy to have me around again, even if I come bearing illness at times. I know they would not trade seeing their grandson several times a week if they could have avoided a stomach virus. I know that my family would rather have me around, and everyone getting along than anything else. I know they are thankful that I have returned to their lives. They are so proud to see me returning to school, returning to my former self, and growing into a wonderful mother.
Still, I feel guilty they are sick. I feel more guilty about this than I do about all the shit in the past. I am not sure why that is. Maybe in my addiction I was so detached and so self absorbed that I still cannot feel bad for their pain. Maybe it is better not to worry about things I cannot change, and just keep moving ahead.
My mother can be a tough cookie sometimes. When I was in the throes of addiction, I hated her sometimes. I was sure that she did not care about me, and that my best interest was always a step behind everyone else. She had long since cut me off, and I was convinced that she was just a selfish bitch. How wrong I was...
There must come a point for every mother to throw her hands up in the air. Sometimes there is nothing more a mother can do but detach...and in the long run the detachment is the best thing for the precious child. There comes a point in love when we still have to take care of ourselves, or else we will never be able to take care of anyone else. My mother had thrown her hands up in defeat with my addiction. She was finished with my shit. And now, I cannot say that I blame her.
An addict's mind is full of lies. We lie to ourselves to keep the addiction going. I need to use because of this, that, and the other. My parents don't care about me, or else they would do what I want. It is all so unfair. An addict is such a victim...poor me, poor me, poor me. Couple all this with anger and frustration, and there is a ticking time bomb.
I was reading a blog yesterday, called Mom vs. Heroin, and I was reminded of my own mother. This mother says she does not care anymore because she has thrown her hands in the air with frustration. I am sure my mother felt exactly that way so many times. The mother from the blog is dealing with a much more complicated situation than I put my mother through, but the feeling is the same. I am sure she still cares, but the caring just hurts too much. There comes a time when a mother of an addict must detach. My mother never stopped caring, but she sure did act like she did. And she sure did say she did. I believe this mechanism enabled her to survive the whole ordeal of heroin addiction.
Now, my mother and I are closer than ever. It has not been an easy road that has gotten us here, but it has been worth every grueling part. The bond with my mother, and my precious son are the two most important pieces of the puzzle that keep me sober. These two things have become so important to me that I would never trade them to get high. And I realize now, through the trial and error of getting clean over and over again that I cannot use even once. If I get the urge to use today, my mother and my son are my first thoughts. And I immediately say "No way...it is just not worth it." My mother was once an excuse to use, and no she is a deterrent.
When I ended up in jail, my entire family refused to bail me out. My husband left me, and my mother was not about to bail me out. It was one of the most lonely times I have ever endured. I was angry, and I felt so victimized. But, now I see it was all for the best. Now, I do not disagree with my mother's decision. At the time, though, I was convinced she was wrong. And I was convinced she was just thinking about herself. It was a muddy, muddy situation.
I will say that once I was able to pull my head out of my ass, things began to change. Once I was serious about sobriety, and serious about getting my life back together, my mother has not left my side. In my mind, there were other times I had been serious about sobriety...but I had always failed.
I realize now, that those times I was not really serious about sobriety. I thought I was, but I was just not ready. Unfortunately, I had to lose almost everything before I became serious about sobriety. I am just thankful that I did not have much to lose at the time. I am thankful I did not have any children involved in the situation.
I want to applaud my mother for never giving up, but yet never giving in. If she had bailed me out, if she had given me more support...I would probably still be using today. It was through her love, and her hard nosed frustration that I can stand her today-sober and HAPPY. It is only with her loving support that I remain clean. And it is through her example that I know what a good mother should be. I am so thankful to be given the chance to be a mother, and I hope to do as good as a mother has.
The road of addiction is rocky to say the least. I am sure it is much harder on the parents of an addict than I can imagine. I can also say that without the support of my mother, I would not be here today. I can never thank her enough. Although, I suspect that by me being clean, a good mother, and a productive member of society I am thanking her enough. I know that is all she has wanted for me for so long.