Saturday, February 20, 2010

The Cracks

Looking back on my life as I knew it from the place that I stand today...
One thing that recovered addicts like to say is that their worst day sober is better than their best day using. I guess you could call that a catch phrase. I guess it is an NA catch phrase, like keep it simple, stupid and fake it til you make it. Well, I have never been much for catch phrases. Just as I have never been one for that blanket approach to recovery, you know just sugar coat it up real good, keep reciting the lines and eventually it will get better. I do not fall for a lot of this jargon, it just does not work for me.
I think that recovery is an individual process. I think that just blindly following slogans and going to meetings is not the only way. I do not think that meetings are a bad thing or that NA is not okay. I just want to say that is not what did it for me.
I will say that I am a recovered addict. I will say that I will never use again. I will say that I may still think about getting high, but I just do not want to do it anymore. Now, when the thought enters my mind, I lose interest in it before I entertain the idea. Even now, after I have been writing about my past addictions, focusing on using in a way...I do not want to go out and use. I do not have a "craving" for it when I relive the past in my writings. I am not triggered when I walk past someone who is high or even selling drugs right in front of me. If I feel any urge, it fades as quickly as it came. The desire is just now longer there.
And I know how an addict's demons can lurk in the recesses of their minds for years and years, waiting to flare up. I believe in all that. I know I cannot let my guard down and try to use just one time. Yeah sure, sometimes I feel pretty sure I could...but the past has taught me that the consequences of failing at that are too great. I am at a point that the high just does not seem worth it anymore. It does not seem as fun as a simple thing like playing with my child.
That is what I think it is about. I think recovery is all about self discovery and rediscovery. I think it is all about learning about yourself, inside and out...while making a better life. Once you have a better life, things you would not trade for the perils of makes it easier. At least that is how it is for me.
I will not say that my worst day sober is better than my best day using because it is not. That would be a lie. But, I will say that no drug made me feel as good as my son's smile. I will say that no high ever made me feel as good as a good writing flow when the words just coming pouring out. I will say nothing in my world of addiction was as powerful as my mother's unconditional love, the powerful force that has always loved me no matter what. In my days of addiction, I did not have much family in my life...I would not trade the fact they are in my life once again FOR ANYTHING.
I can say now, that I have dreams that will come true. I have people that are important to me, and most importantly, I realize I have people who I have always been important to. When I look into my son's eyes, I am complete. I am whole again...and the world is once again full of potential and possibility.
On a bad day, I may feel the cracks that still exist from being broken so badly at one time. I once heard as saying I like to think of on those days. Blessed be the cracks, for that is where the light can be let in. It makes me thankful for the new perspective those cracks have given me. Tiger Woods said yesterday that what we accomplish is not as important as what we overcome. Without the cracks, I would not have overcome my past, my addictions. And on a good day, I feel like the light around me shines so bright that the cracks on the surface are not even visible. These cracks will be what makes me, not what breaks me.

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