thankful thoughts...

Thanksgiving morning. I have gotten up, and gotten my head out of my ass because I am fighting a cold. A terrible cold, I might add. I had to work the past two nights, in the midst of my sickness. I felt awful...and my mind kept drifting back to things that might make me feel better. Now, it is not a thought I am going to take action on...but when I feel really shitty...my mind will drift back to the dope, and how it always made me feel better when I felt so crappy.

Back to this morning. I managed to pull my head out of my ass, at the insistence of the smiling face of my angel baby boy. He pulled my hand, begging me to get out of bed and play. I looked at the clock. I am thankful it is 8:15. He never sleeps this late, and since I did not get home from work until midnight...I am lucky to sleep so late in this miserable head cold.

I get up, only grumbling a little. And my son and I talk, as we pack an overnight bag. We talk about the day. We talk about who will be at Maman's (my mom's). We talk about why daddy will not be there. We talk about turkey. We talk about money, and breakfast, and brushing teeth, and what we will wear. We turn out all the lights. He asks to take his packpack(backpack), and he wants his Spiderman lunchbox. We close up the apartment and head to my mom's. (She lives on the other side of town.)

It is misty, and I think it rained a lot of the night. It is cold, and a little foggy. The streets are empty. It is almost 10 am. Most things are closed today, and most people are not out. I notice a few people walking. A few people at the bus stop. The city seems deserted, and these few stragglers stand out.

I am reminded of previous Thanksgivings. I remember standing at a deserted bus stop, waiting for the man. I remember having to stock up on dope for the holiday because the dealers would not be out very long. I remember working in the strip club on Thanksgiving. I remember walking in the rain to a friends, in search of dope and turkey. I remember the loneliness of those holidays. Liam and I...wandering the deserted streets, searching for dope when the rest of the world was comforted at home. I look at these few stragglers on the streets, and I wonder what their story is.

I am thankful to be watching them from the windows of my warm, new car. I am thankful to have a smiling little angelic face in the car seat behind me, talking about whatever comes to his 20 month old mind. I am thankful to be headed to my family's house. I am thankful that I only have a cold, and I am not suffering from the sickness of withdrawal. I am thankful to have my own apartment. I am thankful to be warm, and dry, and clean, and loved. I am thankful to be writing. I am thankful to be me.

I think about Liam. I wonder where he is, and what he is doing. I wonder about his sister, and his mother...with whom I spent so many holidays with. I do not wonder about his girlfriend, who was once my friend. I wonder if he is happy, and if he ever thinks about me. So many things remind me of him sometimes, and I wonder why did it all end this way. And I wonder if I would be so happy if we had stayed together. And then, I am thankful...that things are exactly like they are.