I think it is more normal for me to have the desire to get high sometimes, than to pretend that desire is never there...to pretend that we never, ever think about it. As a former addict, it IS something I will always think about from time to time. And to act like I never even think about it, is not healthy. Lies are never healthy. To pretend it is not there, we are leaving the demon to lurk in the darkness. Instead, we must accept these thoughts and cravings...we must learn to embrace this very normal part of our existence, without ever going there again. We must learn not to hide from it all, but to wear it like a badge of honor, wearing our sobriety like a medal of accomplishment. We must learn to embrace the good along with the bad, and we must realize that such is life. We must be honest with ourselves, first and foremost.
Lies are never healthy.
I have to remind myself of this when I look back on the past. There are times when I look back with a heart filled with regret. There are too many things I wish I had done differently. And there are things that are dearly missed now. But, I have to remember not to look at relationships of the past through those rose colored lenses of memory. I have to remind myself...lies are unhealthy...any way you slice it. You always lied to me, and that is unhealthy. Granted, a lot became much more unhealthy than lies. And I am not saying the downfall began because of lies, because it did not. I am not blaming you, although I wish I could...but I cannot. But, I am saying that you always lied to me...and most of the time those lies had nothing to do with me. And that was unhealthy. You are not as perfect as I would like to remember.
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