Sunday, June 19, 2011

Fuck You, Once Again

Time and the way things change can surprise us all at times.  And then, there are some things that even time cannot heal.  There are some things that no matter how much time and distance lies in between...they will not change.  Some things will just hurt forever, and there may even be times that those old wounds will be torn open once leave them gushing blood all over the floor.

These wounds of mine are so scarred, now rough, like leather.  And I know they cannot be ripped open again because there really is no blood left to bleed.  All that is left is a hole of the flesh that once was.  All that is left is this scarred leather like thing that I cringe to see every time I look down.  And although the blood has not flowed near those nasty sites of pain and destruction for years, sometimes the wounds still hurt.  Some things just do not get better, and time and distance do not heal...but, only help to forget.

This leathery wound of mine is all red and inflamed, as new information is brought down on an old, old situation.  And my heart is so fucking heavy today, as I think about all the things I lost in the fire.  But, as time goes on, I realize that the most precious thing lost in the fire was really not as pristine as I once thought...

Cryptic language, I know.  But, I hate to just dive right into the same old shit without some sort of flowery introduction.

An old girlfriend of mine was in town the other night for the concert.  (Which I thoroughly enjoyed.)  Janine and I were once very, very close.  Interpret that however you wish, and all of the interpretations will be correct on some level, I am sure.  She is one person who was always there for me when I really needed her.  I love Janine with all my heart.  She has been there for years, and she was there through some of the roughest times of my life.

I met Janine through my ex husband.  They worked together.  Back in those days, I remember how Liam used to look at me, like I was the only girl in the world.  I remember how much I trusted him.  He would never cheat on me.  Look at the way he looked at me.  I never minded that he had friends, regardless of their sex.  I felt so sure he would never cheat on me.

When he left me for another woman, a friend of mine...well I was floored.

And not like I could ever talk about cheating.  It was not like I was loyal.  I was more loyal to his dope habit than to our marriage.  And more loyal to myself than anything else.  I guess I am just selfish.  And the addiction crept in, taking everything else away.  But, I kept him well.  And I kept us both addicted.  I really have no room to say anything.  And I probably deserved it all.

Still, it hurts.  I thought he was my one true love.  I thought he was my soulmate.  I thought so many things that were not true.  And I guess that is to be expected when you fall in love with a liar.  That liar turned my world upside down before...and now, I feel it all creeping back in.  I feel it all washing back over me, and my eyes are flooded with tears.

Janine told me she messed around with my ex husband.  Before we split...and before she got to know me.  And I am not angry.  Certainly not at her.  I love her.  And after the night she hooked up with my husband, our love grew far beyond what either of us expected.  And I am not mad at Liam...I know I have no right to be.  And the whole thing just solidifies what happened.  It just proves to me that I am better off without him.

But, it all hurts the same.  Damn, he cheated on me almost two years before he left me for another women.  Had he cheated before?  I always heard that he was with the woman he left me for long before I fucked up so badly that he had an excuse to leave me.  And now this other friend?  How many other friends of mine did he hook up with?  But, many friends of his did I hook up with?  Still, it hurts.

Those last two years with him, as we began to recover from heroin addiction...I thought that things were all being put back in place.  And really, that is just what he let me think.  All the while, he was just waiting until he found another sure thing.  Testing out the waters where ever he knew he would not be seen.  Pretending to put it back together, but really just tearing it all apart.  I just wish he could have been more honest with me...more honest with himself.  Instead of just fucking up my entire life.  Fuck you, Liam.  Fuck you.  That is really all I have to say.  Fuck you.  Once again.


  1. I feel the pain...I wish I could sit next to you and cuss him out with you. But its not my place to cuss him out. I do however know how it feels to trust someone completely and then find out you were W R O N G - that person who seemed to love you like no other betrays your trust and it cuts to the core.

    Liam was not the love of your life - that person is still out there somewhere for when the time is right. I tell myself the same thing every day.

  2. I understand how it feels to be betrayed, to find out that the one you love and trusted with all your heart has been dishonest with you, and how it just shatters you. I'm sorry that you had to walk away and try on your own to put the pieces back together. At the right time, someone will come along and neither of you will ever imagine hurting each other.